Anxiety is not a choice

      The World Health Organization states that 1 in 4 people worldwide will experience a mental illness in their lifetime. Still, as a society we generally believe mental health isn’t really an issue, and if it is an issue for some people then it must say something about them. They’re choosing to be anxious instead of just getting on with things like everybody else. If you don’t know and have never suffered from anxiety, you cannot understand how it feels.

       Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a common anxiety disorder that involves persistent worrying, nervousness, and tension. This condition could be developed either from a prolonged or recent exposure to stressful situations like; loss, dysfunctional family settings, illness, abuse, divorce or genetics, just to mention a few. I will tell you some of the ugly truths of anxiety in a little bit. In the meantime, here are a few questions to ponder on:
Do you find yourself excessively worrying about things that are unlikely to happen? Or feel tense and anxious all day long sometimes with no real reason?
Do you get sweaty palms, repeated stomachaches or diarrhea when in a stressful situation?
If your worries and fears are so constant that they interfere with your ability to function, sleep or relax, you may have generalized anxiety disorder. Even though Anxiety symptoms are similar to that of depression, OCD and phobias, they are not the same.

Truth:
Anxiety is not a choice.
Anxiety doesn't choose a particular person; it could be you, just as easily as it could be me.
Anxiety gives no prior warning, no reason, it occurs suddenly.
Anxiety is terrifying for those who suffer it.
The sufferer knows that there is no reason to worry about what they are stressing over but continues to worry anyway because it's GAD.
GAD sufferers may worry but be completely unaware of why they are worrying

Lies:
 It’s not a phase.
They are not weak.
They are believers of God.
They trust God.
It's not just a hard phase of life
They cannot just merely get over it
They cannot just stop worrying

       If you know somebody who is living the reality of anxiety; then you should know it can be hard because the worry is excessive and disruptive. Hence, causing some form of interruption in your relationship with the sufferer. However, they are as helpless as you are in this situation.  Try to listen to what they have to say. Don't try to argue with them if they're upset, and try to avoid saying anything that reinforces their feelings of guilt, shame or failure. Don't shy away because you're not sure what to say; be prepared to listen to what they have to say, rather than coming out with empty clichés. Dealing with anxious people can be frustrating because at times they seem to have a negative answer to every solution you pose. Don't give up on them. However, stick with them, because when they are better they will appreciate your non-judgmental support far more than tactless reprimands. Please don’t tell people with anxiety to "stop worrying”, don’t leave them alone. They can't help themselves.

       I do not believe that there is a person who simply enjoys the act of worrying or creating unnecessary drama for one's self. Who will choose to suffer such turmoil? GAD is mentally and physically exhausting. It drains your energy, interferes with everything, and wears your body out. It is a daily battle that even the bravest people in our society fight against, and it is rarely talked about because of the stigma and shame associated with mental illness. But those people are here. They live amongst us.

      To all those who are living and fighting the reality of anxiety, that overwhelming sense of guilt, sadness, worthlessness, failure and shame is not peculiar to you. You are not alone.

       

A slice of my heart lives in heaven

My Pom, my baby, my diva, my joy pill, my shooting star. You are a little slice of my heart and I am beyond thankful for the opportunity to be a part of your short but wonderful life. You were a one of a kind type of child. The kind who stole the show with her entrance. You were intelligent, witty, cheerful, loving to say the very least. Nothing about you was ordinary You were my profound yet painful gift from God.

I remember the days that everything looked dark to me (sad days) I would call you to stay with me and your little innocent self always cheered me up and gave me joy. You will jump on my tummy and I always kissed your face.

I remember how I always told you I wanted to eat you all up and you rolled your diva eyes at me asking me why? I told you it was because you were so delicious and darn cute.

I remember when you asked me “Aunty why are you always telling me you love me” I said because I don’t want you to ever forget. I hope you didn’t forget?

I remember when people will ask you “do you know you are a pretty

girl?” and you will nod in agreement with pride and confidence. I usually make them ask you “how do you know” you always said Aunty Sandra told me so.

I remember the excitement in your eyes whenever I walked into your class to pick you up from school. You would run and give me a very big hug, which always made my day, then proceed to tell me all about your day. You said hi to everyone as we made our way to the car.

The only framed picture I own is of you.  It sits right there in my room. Everyone who walks into my room talks about how cute you are.

I wish I had the opportunity to brace for this impact because my heart is broken into unfathomable pieces. Since your loss the volume of the world has been turned down, a lot has been muted to silence and clarity has come. I hear it will be better but it still is visceral as it’s ever been. Though death has hurt my heart and wrenched my soul, it can not take away the love we shared or memories we hold. I’m glad I told you how much I loved you at every opportunity I got, It won’t change baby, I still and would always love you.

For the very first time Rest in Peace my Angel. We miss you down here. Fly on!

Oh Grief

Grief!!! I knew it was a word but never knew I would one day experience it in its totality. The only time I came close to it was when I lost my paternal grandma but I was only 12. I remember it was hard then but it is harder now. The weight of grief is soul crushing, a place so dark I cannot really explain. It is physical, spiritual and psychological. It's a pain like no other, the kind that shakes your core.
It is physical because sometimes it feels like the heart is squeezing and pounding. The head aches like it will explode. The stomach twitches and rumbles from panic attacks. The eyes swollen and sore, even the throat aches. It is spiritual because it shakes your faith. You question your faith in yourself and in God. The psychological effect is something else. You want to feel better but you can't. Grief is terribly isolating, because no one else understands the feeling. Its unique to everyone like fingerprint.
It was 22nd September 2016. I was babysitting my godson and frying plantain when my phone rang. I initially didn't pick since I was busy then it rang again. This time it was followed by a message. “ call me back it is urgent" my heart sank. I made the call, which turned out to be the worst news of my life. After I heard the news the next 1-hour that followed is unexplainable. The smell of the burning plantain and crying baby knocked some sense into me and with a visibly shaky hand and racing heartbeat I turned off the gas and tried to calm down the baby.
At first it was denial, like No this is a dream I'm going to wake up. Then it was confusion, questioning myself and imagining all sorts before proper grief eventually set in. People tell you sorry but really sorry for what? "Take heart she is in a better place" really? A place better than her mothers arms? Oh Please! " God gives and God takes"? Oh don't even get me started with all the gibberish people tell a grieving person. Please if you ever visit a grieving person and you do not know what to say simply help out with chores, or just lend your shoulder for them to cry on. Spare them all that jibbers and facts they already know. If they want to cry please let them. Cry is a form of release.
Grief is a very hard journey to embark on and no; time doesn't make it any easier. There is nothing linear about grief, Everyday is harder and comes with its own challenges. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no time frame. A deep vacuum that nothing can fill has been created. Eating food makes no sense anymore and sleep is luxury. There is no easy way out but to take it one day at a time. You never get over it, you just learn to live with it and let the pain take its course.

Uncomprehensible & Unfathomable God PT1

That feeling when you want something so bad and someone tells you "trust God" bet it will sound like a foreign language (unrealistic), Especially when you have been praying for something with no solutions in view. Trusting God isn’t easy but nothing is better than it.

I'll tell you the story that inspired this write up. A friend of mine, I'll call her Joy for the sake of this article. Joy called me up about six months ago sounding really upset about a job she had been interviewing for that didn't work out. She wanted this job badly. She liked the pay and the job description. She worked really hard for the interviews and got to the very last stage of the interview. According to the HR Director, they had to make a difficult decision between she and another guy. She lost out for lack of technical experience. "The HR Manager likes me sha, she even sent me a message promising to contact me first should another opportunity open up" said Joy. I listened and told her that the job that is meant for her will come. I told her to trust God and accept the next best job and she did.

Fast forward to 3 weeks after starting another job she had to go in for a surgery. The office gladly granted her 3 weeks sick leave even though she had only been with them for 3 weeks. Her sick leave is over and she is almost fully recovered and a job alert for the same job and the same company that dropped her pops up on her phone. She emails the HR Director who eventually invites her to come over for another interview and Gbam!! she is offered the job. Does this make you think of anything? Let me break it down to you. First, Only a few companies will give you 3 weeks (eventually 1month) of sick leave when you haven't even been there a month. Her No, wasn't really a No, it was a "wait" from God. If she had gotten that job the first time, she perhaps wouldn't have gotten time off, to pay attention to her health. So God made this company deny her the job so she could take the second option; Make some money and get official time off. He broke her heart to bring her happiness. 

So you see? the ways of God baffle me. His wisdom is beyond any human comprehension. When we ask God for stuff and don't get it doesn't mean he hates us or has turned his back on us. He is denying us of one thing and getting ready to give us something better. If you ask God for something and the thing is good for you, have faith and be rest assured that he will give it to you. If he says no, best believe it is not good for you or he is simply saying wait. He says in Jeremiah 29:11-12 'for I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.' 12’ then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Give it time and it will make sense.' 

Always remember that even though we do not understand the ways of the lord, we simply have to trust his will. He is a perfect and unfathomable God!